Confessions of a Woman Living with High Functioning Anxiety

Disclaimer: The content of this post is not medical advice and is written from the viewpoint of the writer and solely influenced by her personal experiences. 

It's safe to say that one very important treasure in my life at the moment is my support system (i.e. friends and family). Even though they might not always understand my outbursts, pain, or actions like I want them to, they  always come through for me. As much as I know that they are always there for me, it can sometimes get a bit difficult to explain what I'm feeling or going through at some certain points in my life. I don't always find the right words to express why I always need to use the restroom, or why I'm always so exhausted, or why I don't always look them in the eye when I talk to them. Nevertheless, I know that they love me for who I am and much relief comes from the fact that they embrace a lot of my qualities and make me channel my anxious energy for good. 

Speaking of anxious energy, it's kind of crazy how I've grown from a somewhat shy child to a bubbly young adult buzzing with zest and passion for many things in life. Alarm bells are constantly ringing in my head, even though I might appear to be calm and have it all figured out on most days. This brings me to my confession of the day: How I live with high-functioning anxiety. 

What is High Functioning Anxiety?

First off, anxiety is a very human and healthy emotion to feel once in a while. Many of us get butterflies in our stomach before giving a speech, writing a major exam, running a race or performing a song on stage. An anxiety disorder, in simple words, is extra and often times, unhealthy levels of chronic anxiety. In movies and books, an anxiety disorder (like social anxiety disorder) is often portrayed as something very limiting to one's everyday life (which it is for some people). But with high functioning anxiety, people are often able to complete tasks and appear  to function well in social situations while all the while still experiencing symptoms of anxiety disorder  like rapid heart rate, gastrointestinal distress, sense of impending fear or doom, etc. In essence, rather than make me freeze, anxiety propels me more often than not. Further research has actually not been done to determine whether it should be a distinct type of anxiety disorder itself. 

Why Do I Have High Functioning Anxiety?

As you might have already suspected, there are not always clear reasons as to why someone develops an anxiety disorder. However, some suggest it could be traced to genetics, trauma, or certain personality traits. 

For me, I don't clearly remember a time when I've not lived with this heightened sense of anxiety or alertness. If you've read my post, Feminine Selflessness Does Not Give Every Woman a Sense of Fulfillment, you might recall that I mentioned that I usually felt like a second mother to my younger siblings. Always on edge about what they were up to or worried if I would get into trouble with my mother because of them. As much as that phase of life is long gone now, some things just stick around.

 A huge part of my childhood was also colored with always being told to push for more, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but has partly contributed to the persistence of my anxious energy. 

Experiences of sexual assault have also heightened my sense of anxiety and hyper vigilance even in situations that may not necessarily have sexual undertones. Being in a room or walking down the road alone with a man or men around spikes up my anxiety so much that I start to feel an ache in my chest. Even when I repeatedly tell  myself that not everyone is out to get me, the ache and the tightness in my chest do not leave . On really bad days, my head starts conjuring up images of being rendered powerless, of my clothes being removed, and literally just the craziest of things.

I remember a time when my friend and I  went out to buy something at a kiosk close to my house one evening. A man in his mid-twenties approached us with this wry smile and said he knew where we lived. My house was close by and I felt convinced he knew where I lived and that I was in danger. I started to panic so much that I thought my beating heart would break through my rib cage and start to writhe on the pavement. I don't know how, but one of my fingers kissed the corrugated roof of the kiosk and it started to bleed. I couldn't even feel the pain of the cut till my friend took me to the restroom to rinse my hand and I could finally breathe and know I was okay. I don't know what kind of sicko makes such jokes, anyway. 

I also remember a time when I had to register for my National Identification Number (NIN) and I was in a room with two registrars who were men. I remember they were nice and engaged me in conversation about my name and other things but the panic and images of being assaulted wouldn't just go away till I finally left the room after the registration was complete.

How High Functioning Anxiety Has Manifested in My School Life:

Having Trouble Relaxing and Switching off is Often Just Interpreted By the Outside World as Being Extremely Productive

Back in my secondary school days (Oh, how I love to say that 😌) there was never really a pause button when it came to doing projects and assignments. Apart from the fact that I genuinely loved school (because of the structure that I felt it brought to my life), I literally just couldn't stop. Even with group projects, I liked to make sure the work was done even when I wasn't the assigned group leader or someone else offered to do the project. Thankfully, people loved the fact that I loved to do all the work. Even when I would tell fellow group members that I wouldn't put down their name for credit if they didn't participate, I knew deep down I was much better off doing all the work alone and still have no problem whatsoever putting their names down for credit. I didn't have the patience to wait for five other people to (sluggishly) play their part when I wanted something to be finished by a particular time. 

My classmates got so used to me doing all the work that once they had me on their group, they knew it was time to take a breather (This perfectly aligns with a concept in Political Science called the Free Rider problem, which describes a situation where people expect other people to do all the work and also expect the same reward as those who actually did the work). 

It's not that I felt that they weren't capable of doing the work, it's just that I didn't have the patience to wait for six people to work on a project that was just a two page essay or cardboard diagram.

 Imagine all the time that would have been wasted if I didn't take it upon myself to start early, finish early and submit the work. Even after finishing the work, I still sometimes found it difficult to relax and was constantly thinking of what was next.

Alarm Bells are Always Ringing in My Head Which is Why I Have So Many Planners to Keep Myself Organised. 

The capitalist world loves a worker like me and calls me, 'detail oriented.' I have books and countless handmade printable planners to keep me organised and always on the go. 

Assignments must be completed at least a day before they're due or I literally cannot sleep. This is the kind of be-on-top-of-your-game mindset school builds you to have in order not to get crushed in the survival of the fittest capitalist world we've found ourselves in. Although I don't support this obvious you-must-dream-of-labor character formation whole heartedly, my hard wiring to always be on the go comes as an advantage in sometimes unfair institutions like school. If you have a need to be constantly organised like me, you should try organization planners that you can print out (printables) from the UFL online store.😉

An Intense Fear of Failure Contributes to My Style of Leadership and How I Work in General

First off, let's get one thing clear: I'm not afraid to make mistakes but I have to admit that I am afraid of failing. Failing can look like many things to different people but to me, failing is not reaching a standard that I have set for myself or a project. 

In certain positions of leadership I held back in secondary school, the most significant one to me being the position of choir mistress, I initially had great trouble understanding why some choir members were so lax even though they joined the organization voluntarily. I so badly wanted everybody to be on my own page and thought almost everyone was going at a snail-pace. The first few months involved a lot of pointless rebuke from my end while still not making significant progress as a group. I was anxious that I'd be taken for granted if I played nice or not get everybody on board if I were too stern (a common dilemma that many women face in positions of leadership). Eventually, as more time passed and as I listened to the advice of sincere friends, I learnt to find a balance between being nice and stern.

On a number of days, I was able to handle my emotions and anxiety when I felt things were not going my way or the way we had practised, and on other days it felt like I was having a melt down. In those moments, I would usually go into this room where we kept files, hymn books and instruments (we called it the Store Room) and start taking in deep breaths to calm down while all the while trying to understand why I was so shaken up by a group of seventy or so people singing on the wrong key or dragging a song. 

...Yes, It Gets Exhausting

 Burnout is real😩. All my friends used to make jokes about how I loved sleeping so much but the truth was that I was always so exhausted from doing both my own personal assignments, all the group work, extracurriculars, and interacting with fellow humans. I never played around with siesta time because there was just no way I could pass out the time to recharge my batteries. Even when end of term came, I was too exhausted from all the midnight oil burning and group projects to actually go for or be interested in participating in the so called 'fun' end of the term activities. 

And then after burnout comes procrastination. After doing so much work at a go, burnout is sure to come, followed by a short period of lack of motivation to do anything at all till my alarm bells start reminding me that I've gone too far to back out.

Physical Aspects of Living with High Functioning Anxiety

The physical manifestations of anxiety can sometimes cause great discomfort to me. These manifestations include constantly needing to use the restroom, biting my nails (a habit I have really improved on), stomach upset, a tightening in my chest, rapid heart rate, trembling, and avoiding eye contact. A number of these are expressed by people when they are anxious about a particular thing like a major exam, but my body seems to seldom relax even when I might not really be having any major event coming up. 

The eye contact one is a bit confusing as I am not necessarily able to hold eye contact even with people I'm comfortable with. Contradictions of how to communicate in the African household and Western world also have my brain all confused when it comes to eye contact. Staring directly into an adult's eye is considered rude in many contexts I grew up in, but in other contexts like interviews, after changing your hairstyle, mode of dressing and speaking, the white man's traditions still tell you that you are a liar or you have low self esteem if you don't maintain eye contact with people you're talking to.

High Functioning Anxiety and Depression

Sometimes, anxiety leads to depression and both of them can sometimes co-exist at the same time in a very ugly and distressing way. While for some people, depression is a feeling they constantly feel at a lesser intensity, I tend to have irregular and intense bouts of severe depressive episodes. 

Although I don't always experience depression as a result of anxiety, sometimes the constant fear of things going wrong does get depressing. When anxiety and depression clash, the dilemma of worrying too much and not even having the energy to care at all arises. I want to care about life but at the same time life seems worthless. 

An illustration of how distressing this clash between anxiety and depression can be, is when it comes to cleaning my room. One part of me might really be irritated with a stray pair of socks on the floor and another side might not have the mental or physical energy to pick it up from the floor. Days might go by with me not doing anything about something I would normally have done immediately and more distress would come from the fact that I'm too drained to do anything about it and that the depression might last forever. Gradually, a ray of sunshine comes into my life after some weeks and I'm filled with high levels of energy once again.

High Functioning Anxiety and My Relationships

When referring to relationships here, I'm focusing majorly on romantic relationships, but some things also apply to platonic and familial relationships I share with people. I sometimes worry that my partner will suddenly wake up one day and realise how much of a burden the whole relationship is and just leave me. I've never really gotten overly consumed or obsessed with a relationship and I've ended some of them because I just felt they were going to come to an end either way. I look back and think I might have sabotaged perfectly alright relationships. I have no regrets, though. I like to be reassured (which I don't think is always a bad thing), but sometimes I end up reading too much into everything. Other times, I find myself asking questions like:

• Could I be doing something better (like finishing an assignment or doing my laundry) instead of talking to this person?
• When would this person finally get tired of this relationship?
• Do I really like this person?
• Does this person really  like me?
• What's the catch?
• Is [name] okay? Why hasn't he read my message? Oh my gosh what if he's sick, or dead?

A relationship that particularly triggered my anxiety for years is one that I elaborated on in an older post, Doing it All for Love. Stressors included the fear of our relationship being discovered, the chances of him getting angry with me, yelling at me or leaving me, and there was also a great deal of anxiety and distress that surrounded sexual interactions between us.

How I Personally Deal with High Functioning Anxiety

Firstly, I don't take all of Dr Google's advice so that I can keep my sanity. I always tell people that Google is such an alarmist. You could go search something like, 'Why do I have gap teeth?' and the first five search results will convince you it's because you're deformed and put up some weird looking words you've never heard in your entire life. For someone who is quite prone to getting worked up, I avoid relying too heavily on Dr Google when I need realistic answers to why I'm feeling a certain way.

Also, I use a lot of planners to give my day structure and to help me feel like I'm not losing my mind with all the tasks I have to accomplish. My reward system is checking off tick boxes at the end of each day.

I also take some time out to practice deep breathing when I feel like I'm panicking or in other cases, triggered by something. It's something I can even do without the person sitting right next to me noticing. In general, I just let those emotions out. I cry when I have to (which is like once a month or more) and get back to what I need to do.

I also handle my anxiety by refusing to have expectations for many things. Not working with expectations definitely spares me from the emotions that come with disappointment.

Cutting back on social media and the news is also a plus. My anxiety was greatly heightened during the pandemic as there seemed to be a never ending tirade of bad news from rape, to Covid deaths, to police brutality, etc. Had to cut out the news out before I lost my mind.

Blogging is also a creative pursuit that I find very rewarding. Writing has always come naturally to me, and blogging allows me to do what I have passion for without any pressure. It also keeps me busy during my spare time and it has made me discover some new interests like coding, graphic designing, research, etc. 

And there's my support system. I always talk to people or write down my thoughts even when I'm not sure I have all the right words to express myself. The recipe for a great support system is finding people who never get tired of you sharing (and sometimes, over sharing). Writing down my thoughts has also proven to be of much help especially in times of great anxiety about the future or ways that the past have affected me.

These are the things that have helped and continually help me overcome the struggles that come with anxiety, and even depression. What are the things that help or have helped you overcome yours?

According to Health Think Analytics, 322 million people are suffering from depression globally, and about 3.9% (7 million) Nigerians currently suffer from depression. According to WHO (World Health Organization), the burden of depression is 50% higher in female humans than in male humans due to factors like low socio-economic status, intimate partner violence, physical and sexual assault, post partum and antenatal depression, unplanned pregnancies, etc. 

Remember that you are not alone in whatever you're going through and that you are not your illness. Please get the help you need while you can.

XO,

Dudu.

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