Doing it All for Love
In the summer of 2017, I met a boy-man that I will refer to as ‘Zebra’ in this post. I was about fourteen and he was twenty at the time. We happened to meet each other at a time when my mother and I’s relationship was a bit estranged and he was just trying to gather up the pieces of his heart from a heartbreak. The very first time Zebra and I had a conversation, we clicked. It was very easy to talk to him and we became good friends from then on. Although I really liked the fact that Zebra always listened to me when I talked, I don’t remember strongly feeling that things could ever evolve past me talking and him listening (as self absorbed as that sounds). Well, as history would have it, a day came where all that would change. We were in the kitchen together and after we were done washing the dishes, I sat down on a stool to catch my breath. As he stood by the sink, he turned towards me and professed apparent love. Of course, I was dumb-founded. Did I like him in that way? What was meant to happen next even if the feelings were mutual? I don’t think I remember much of what he said that afternoon but I eventually did not say anything in response, which he made sure to emphasize hurt his feelings. I went back home and did some thinking. I decided that I liked Zebra and told him the next chance I got to talk to him. I don’t clearly remember the sequence of events after that, but things pretty much moved fast afterwards.
Before Zebra and I ever kissed, he had already sometimes sent suggestive emojis and messages saying that he wanted to kiss me. For some reason, I could not get myself to say an outright ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ and kept on avoiding the topic. Unfortunately, the next time we met in person, something seemed to come over him and he just went ahead and kissed me. The moment was so sudden that I felt paralyzed for a split-second. It almost felt like something dropped on me and I started to tremble slightly (a reaction that has never left me since then). Because Zebra had always referred to me as 'mature for my age' I did not want to seem immature by shying away from this kiss. He asked if I was okay when I started trembling, but I could not even gather my words to form a clear sentence. He continued, anyway. When it was over, I felt flushed and hot inside and wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to talk to Zebra again. During our walk back to my house, I remained quiet while he talked about how beautiful I was and some other things I don’t remember now. When I was finally alone, I was not too sure what to make of what had happened and just decided to move past all the awkwardness.
Things pretty much escalated from there and our relations became unnecessarily more sexual. He later explained this to be a result of the fact that we did not always have time to ourselves. The first time he took off my clothes was in his room one afternoon. I wasn’t particularly scared but I was anxious. I don’t even remember if things went fast or slow. I remember sort of holding my breath as he closed the curtains while I lay naked on the bed. It wasn’t like one of those scenes you see on TV where there is a lot of screaming, fighting, and struggling. I genuinely cared for Zebra so I was willing to go along with most of whatever he wanted to do. He always ended these kinds of episodes by saying, ‘I love you,’ to which I would reply, ‘I love you too.’ Even though I initially felt like some sort of subject on whom someone performed on, I eventually came to define these encounters as displays of affection. The down side was that the feeling of being tainted was so strong that I often had bouts of depression from feeling like I was no longer the ‘flower’ that a girl was meant to be. I cried about it when I was alone, with friends, and during the two Kairos retreats I attended. It felt like I was constantly bemoaning the loss of my purity and my innocence. A lot of confusion and shame also stemmed from the times when I was mentally uncomfortable with a sexual episode but still experienced physical pleasure. Forms of sexual assault never seemed to end, either at home or in school, and the heaviness of feeling powerless in every scenario began to weigh down on me.
Although Zebra definitely did not see things this way, as he would later tell me, I still struggled with feelings of a loss of bodily autonomy, guilt and an inability to become as emotionally attached to other people. Seeing as it seems that there are no clear laws about minor-adult sexual relations in this country, I would say that there were times where I gave my consent. As fate would have it, such relations continued between us till I was seventeen. Even though I am of legal adult age now, I still often feel like a child when I talk to him.
There were many dynamics in the relationship that Zebra and I shared. Seeing as my own mother had often called me and my other siblings beautiful and had often expressed her love for us especially by hugging, it was very easy for me to express my affection and receive Zebra’s affection. I liked to play with his hair and he often showed that he cared by listening to me or asking if I was okay. Although my mum had taught me a great deal about sexual abuse from when I was about five, it felt like all my defenses had been broken down and I was more accepting of his touch when he put his hands up my thighs or touched my breasts. I just took everything as a show of affection and never felt that he would hurt me. He'd say he liked my legs or my eyes and he often went out of his way to make me comfortable. He even sometimes talked about us getting married. He would also get very possessive when I talked to other boys or men, even though he often talked to other women and ignored me in their presence sometimes. On a few occasions, it frightened me when he yelled at me for something mundane like not clearing the sink after washing, but it was easy to look past those moments. I felt like it was usually my fault, anyway.
From time to time, we had a couple of arguments, which we did not always solve in healthy ways and he often made sure that things were kept secret. It was easy to keep things a secret because I felt that Zebra was the only one who truly understood me and often got defensive when anyone tried to insinuate that he was dangerous (which is absolutely untrue). There were phases where I spent a lot of time doing Google searches on whether I had been groomed after the ‘relationship’ ended. In fact, at a point, I admitted to myself that I was probably groomed. However, I no longer hold on to that, because I can’t get myself to see him in that light. Although he admitted that he knew things would eventually get sexual between us from the onset, he expressed that he felt disappointed in himself when he started to develop feelings for me.
As I became older, it became easier to voice out my feelings and ask him questions about the way he saw things. Even though these conversations do not always go well, I have come to understand that we will both never come to see things the same way but that does not invalidate my feelings. After this ‘relationship,’ I have come to deeply desire but still resent touch (sexual or non-sexual), at the same time. I also experience struggles with feeling like I always play the victim. As for how it will affect my future relationships, I don’t know if I will need to tell all my future partners about Zebra. I feel that it will make them feel like they should be my shrink or my knight in shiny armor. My experiences with Zebra sometimes make me reconsider wanting to have my own children because of the fear that I cannot always protect them from their decisions or the decisions of other people. All in all, even though I have come to acknowledge that some things made me feel violated, I still share a very deep affection for Zebra and talk to him from time to time. I don't know if closure is real or if I will ever receive it myself, but my hope is that in the event that I become a lawyer, I will be able to provide legal advice to people who want to take legal action against people they still feel strongly attached to.
If you, or anyone you know, thinks that they might have been groomed, please do not fail to get professional help. Please know that it is okay to have mixed feelings for the perpetrator. If you are presently in this kind of situation, and you feel that you need someone to talk to, please also get professional help or speak to someone you trust. You can reach out to me on the contact form by the side bar. To gain a deeper understanding of child sexual grooming check out:
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