Feminine Selflessness Does Not Give Every Woman a Sense of Fulfillment

By the time I turned sixteen, I decided that I did not really want marriage for myself. This decision did not stem from the blues or bad experiences with members of the opposite sex, but stemmed from the fear that I will perpetually remain trapped in a cycle of sacrificing myself so much for my husband and children that my dreams will all come crashing down and finally go ablaze. From the experiences of women around me and even my childhood, I had already gotten a taste of what it feels like to bury your deepest desires underground for the sake of other people. Some women often claim that the act of burying their dreams to sustain their families gave them the ultimate sense of fulfillment in life. Maybe for them, that is true. But for me, knowing that I am only a shadow of what I could really be sounds like a death sentence. Of course, the bitter taste of the word ‘marriage’ in my mouth may one day become sweet, but that is for the future to tell. For now, my decision to place my dreams above building a family comes with a lot of societal backlash and also personal fears. What if I regret it? What if I don’t achieve my dreams? What if I’m lonely for the rest of my life? 

The thing is that I do not think that building a family is inherently bad or undesirable. In fact I love the idea of having a life-long companion who will adore me as much as I adore him. I also love the idea of having my own children and calling them beautiful and smart and pecking them on their cheeks when they come back from school or when they babble something cute. Indeed, I have such a consuming desire to nurture my own children that I am not sure if this is a biologically induced aspiration or a desire internalized from socialization. As much as I love the concept of family,  the idea that I might be subjected to a life of perpetual ‘martyrdom’ simply petrifies me.

Right from childhood, the notion that self sacrifice was central to my being, first, as the first child and daughter, and eventually as a wife and mother was constantly sung into my ears or embodied by others for me to see. Although I do not (and did not) hate my childhood per se, having to take care of all my other siblings like I was their mother, certainly robbed me of the carefree spirit that comes with being a child. I was always worried about where they were, what they were doing, if they and their belongings were safe, etc. My younger siblings thought I was a nag and I was too bothered with being responsible to care. Even though my mother called me beautiful, responsible, and smart many times, she still beat me for the irresponsible actions of my younger siblings and there was a constant desire to always be in her good books—to hear her call me responsible and diligent even though being a ‘second mother’ to my siblings felt like a burden sometimes. Fitting into the big sister role was never a choice, not even for a moment. Even when I wanted to get sick of it, I would remember that it was a role I was ordained into by society, even before my birth. To have to live through this endless cycle of self sacrifice at the cost of my own freedom or ultimate happiness is nothing but sheer horror to me. I also do not want to be stuck in a cycle of parent-guilt where I never feel good enough as either a mother or career woman. 

When I think of children, I think of love and fierce protection. What if I hardly ever get the time to give them these, even when my significant other is equally involved in the child-rearing process? What if I can't protect them enough? What if they get hurt and I can't take back what has happened to them? What if I become so overprotective that they feel stifled? What if I increase their chances of suffering from depression because of genetic traits passed down from me? What if the world ends even before I can have children? Why even bring forth children into this evil world? 

We hear of mothers and wives who sacrificed their careers to be paragons of feminine selflessness. Mothers who buried their degrees and dreams in diapers and feeding bottles. Dreams never to be unburied even after their children are no longer babies. Goals forgotten because of the time and energy consuming task of building a home almost single handedly even when their significant other could very well have been involved in the arduous task of homemaking with them. This self sacrifice may not always take the form of being a stay at home parent. It can come in the form of stagnancy of position at the workplace because family affairs come in the way of work one too many times. It might show up as emotional and physical fatigue that come from carrying too many burdens alone. It might come in the form of choosing to settle for a lower paying or maybe less interesting job to be able to remain close to one's home and make it in time to help with the kids' assignments and to be there for everyone at home. As much as these acts of feminine sacrifice are appreciated on countless mother’s days, these celebrations may not be able to wash away the sense of failure, fatigue and fury that may characterize some women’s everyday lives. Obviously, these acts of 'mandated' self sacrifice are not the only obstacles in many women's career life, but they certainly pose a major obstacle for many.

Even in the bedroom, acts of unnecessary self sacrifice and compromise are normalized in heterosexual relationships. Maybe even you yourself have experienced the need to go along with your partner’s wishes even when you are clearly not experiencing pleasure. Maybe you dissociate in those times, and maybe not. Maybe you do not even realize that you have internalized the urge to sacrifice your pleasure and happiness at every instance. Maybe you are not a people pleaser, but you still do not know how to tell your boyfriend ‘no’ even at the expense of your own comfort.
All in all, not everything is set in stone. One day I might come to strongly desire both a family and a career. One day, you might come to see that you do not always have to compromise your happiness and yet, still embrace many aspects of femininity at the same time. Everyday is a learning and unlearning process. In the meantime, evaluate the instances that you could have prioritized your happiness and pleasure as a woman. Good luck in your journey of finding what truly liberates you.