Our Gender-Obsessed World

When I was about nine years old, my mom was pregnant with my last sibling and everyone was excited to know if the baby would turn out to be a girl or boy. My brother really wanted another boy seeing as he already had two older sisters. Having a brother would mean having a sibling to do all the 'boyish' stuff with. Of course my sister and I really wanted a younger sister. It would mean another sibling to do the things that we love (yes, I admit that there was a tint of selfishness there). Eventually, fate took the side of the girls and we were both shrieking when my mom revealed that we were going to be having a sister after she returned from her ultrasound appointment. Now, ten years after that episode, I look back at the somewhat ridiculousness of it all.

 

The sex of the baby wasn't meant to have really been that big of a deal to us but in our little heads we were already assigning roles to the baby based on what 'girls should act like' and what 'boys should act like,' because to us sex and gender were one and the same. At least I know now that sex refers to the biological truth that a baby possesses a vagina or penis (e.g. male, female, intersex etc.) while gender is a social construct. It refers to the behaviours and roles attached to femininity and masculinity by society. Bouncing new born babies are born into this world with a 'genderless brain’ but buy the time such phrases like 'boys don't cry' keep reoccurring in their minds, they officially become socialized citizens of the society. Hence, the difference in behaviours between the sexes is not a biological truth but a social construct.

 

By the time I was twelve, I could ride a bicycle expertly and so could every single sibling of mine too. I remember one day that my dad made all of us cycle around were I spent most of my childhood in Marina (an area in Lagos). We got to this roundabout and next thing I knew, the passers-by were pointing fingers at my sisters and I while saying, 'Wo! awon omoobirin n gun kẹkẹ!' which means, 'Look! girls are riding bicycles!' I understood Yoruba so I was beaming in my helmet and pink bicycle and also showing them some of my 'cool moves.' It felt as if we were celebrities who just dropped by to say hello to fellow Lagosians. Anytime I remember that episode, I laugh at the fact that it made me feel special. However, this episode personally reflects how much everything is gendered by the society.

Pink shirts with fluffy sleeves and flowery motif are usually bought for girls while blue shirts are warmly handed over to the boys during the festive Christmas season; dolls for girls and trucks, trains and soldiers for boys; princess stories for girls and superhero stories for boys; soccer for boys and make-up for girls; clothing stores are separated into boys' and girls' sections; expression of emotions is also categorised into what is acceptable for different genders; our speeches usually begin with a resounding 'ladies and gentlemen'; religion assigns gender roles; even simple roll-on and body sprays are assigned to different sexes or genders! Literally every facet of life is 'gendered.'

It is no wonder that things can get rather claustrophobic for Trans genders, Agenders (non-binaries) and other non-conforming people because of how much these stereotypes become the only acceptable versions of what people should be. In some places, people carry out sex-selective abortions and mount pressure on their wives (which sometimes puts their health in danger) just so that a boy can be birthed into the world. Perhaps, it is because they think boys will end up being more productive economically or they will get a sense of pride and honour by having a son or to ensure that someone carries on the family name. In these set-ups, boys are seen as assets who will grow up to become future breadwinners or men who will grow up to take care of their parents in their old age. Sometimes it even boils down to mentalities that boys are always better at all things math and science so much so that a rich man becomes so desperate for a son since he cannot afford to throw his oil company into the hands of his 'dumb' daughters, or worse still, sons-in-law.

On the other hand, some of these gender stereotypes paint girls as liabilities who will eventually be married off to one Bello or Tunde somewhere or maybe even one wealthy man called Chuka. The thought of paying dowries in some communities makes poor families abhor the thought of a girl child. Once the midwife announces that it is a girl (again), more hatred swells for the innocent baby. Eventually, some families will settle for training her to be the most sought-after bride in the fairest of lands so they can finally eat the fruits of their labor when one Alhaji comes running shamelessly to the front of their door because he has been enticed by her budding breasts. What a world, indeed! Don't think that these mentalities are only present among those in rural areas or among the uneducated, they also creep among those in the metropolis, the rich and supposedly 'exposed' people.

These gender stereotypes and unconscious bias go a long way to shape people's self-perception and define the way that people treat others. They affect our attitudes in relationships; influence our participation in the world of work and even affect our academic performance. Sometimes these stereotypes contain a speck of truth but they can also be setbacks to people's emotional, political, social and economic growth. Two ways gender obsession and stereotyping are harmful, are the ways that things are devalued because they're associated with women and the way some things are associated with women because they appear degrading. For example, sewing is a hugely successful skill that is undervalued because over centuries it has become associated with women, whereas things like tight dresses are designated as things for women because they appear degrading.

There is nothing so terrible about embracing traditional femininity and masculinity and there should be nothing so shameful about deciding to be non-conforming. Some of us are lost in a labyrinth of all these complexities and therefore decide to remain neutral or mix both aspects of femininity and masculinity. Whatever your path is, ask yourself if that is the path that you truly want to take or the path that you feel that you are assigned to stick to. Whatever your answer is, you are the main character of your life so you don't have to let others steal the show. 

Some people have suggested that the world should become gender neutral. Do you think so too? Some people don't attach a sex or gender to their children but instead give them a choice to make their own decision until when they get older. Does that make sense to you and would you do that? Can gender stereotypes have a positive side to them? Let's hear your take on it!