How Patriarchal Societies Have Shown Time and Time Again How Much Women are Hated

Image by Numero El 33

It can sometimes be hard to see subtle elements of hate for femininity in our society as they usually go unnoticed as we go about our everyday lives. Now I know 'hate' is a strong word, which is exactly why I am employing the word at this very moment. 'Hate', 'prejudice' and 'discrimination' are words that are very politically charged today especially when talking about the supposed outright forms of  racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. We know of political discrimination, work place discrimination, etc., against women but how about the more subtle ways that many patriarchal societies manifest hate towards women?

 

Now when I say 'patriarchal,' I do not speak of just men. I speak of men, women, and other sexes and genders alike because too many of us have internalized many of the precepts of misogyny without even realizing it. 

 

Well, let's get this show on the road, shall we?

Homophobia is Partly a Manifestation of Disgust for Flamboyant Displays of Femininity:

Although most feelings of homophobia are attributed to religious doctrines, when you think about it, part of homophobia (even internalized homophobia) stems from strong dislike for effeminacy or femininity because the concept of being 'too girly' is disliked in both men and women. People seem to really hate on gay men and cross-dressers, especially, because they are perceived as a sort of disgrace to manhood and masculinity. Homosexuality is not just looked down upon because of religious beliefs but because of prejudice against femininity. Even for women, the concept of being 'too girly' is perceived as a trait to get rid of as it connotes weakness, talkativeness, shyness—everything but desirable. But girls or women perceived to be 'tom-boys' are usually perceived as admirable or at the very worst, just playful. 

 

Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't: Slut Shaming and Prude-Shaming.

Shaming women for their sexual choices is an all too familiar and regular occurrence. There are many terms for women who choose to be sexually active, including 'slut,' 'whore,' 'loose,' 'immoral,' etc. On the flip side, there are attempts to make women who aren't sexually active, feel less of themselves with the use of words like 'prude,' 'killjoy,' 'uptight,' etc. Patriarchal culture seems to hate women so much that it either shames women into having sex or makes them feel ashamed for enjoying sex or even having it in the first place. As much as you may think a certain decision is right or wrong, it's not always up to you to tell another person what to do with their own body. 

 

Based on my own experience, many women tend to viscously slut shame other women as an (unconscious) attempt to feel good about their own morality or hint at others that they're doing a good job at preserving their own apparent purity. But what they're really doing is reinforcing over and over again hate for women and their choices. If they really cared about virginity or purity then they would shame men as much as they shame other women for their sexual choices. In essence, patriarchal culture teaches us to hate on one another no matter what. To whose advantage exactly, I wonder?

 

Painting Marriage as Something Women Desperately Want and What Men Resist

Here's a tough one. Marriage comes with a lot of ups and downs for both sexes, social prestige, and I guess it can be a mutually enjoyable union for the partners too.

 

 However, for some women, marriage comes with slowing down career paths or giving up on them entirely, family pressures to give birth or be a good wife (and mother), domestic violence, involuntary financial dependence, doing unpaid and undervalued work, among others. 

 

When you look at the big picture, marriage can be a great thing but can also be hell for some people, especially women. In fact, in my sociology course last semester, I was surprised to find that divorce rates have gone down because less and less people are getting married or just co-habiting with a partner. Women, mostly, expressed the inconvenience that marriage will pose in their life as a reason for deciding not to get married.

 

But when you go to church every Sunday there must be a prayer point desperately asking God to provide husbands for women. 

 

You probably have that one aunty or cousin that the older women tease about getting a husband (even though deep down, they're lowkey pressuring her to find one the very next second).

 

Even if you don't, you might have watched a movie where men joke about being tied down by marriage and wanting to get their last night of freedom during the Bachelor's party before the Wedding Day when realistically speaking, they might not really have to slow down or halt their careers when (or if) children come or change their lifestyle to suit in-laws’ tastes.

 

You might have even read a book where all the main character wanted to do was to get married to her. No character development or depth—just a woman who wants nothing out of life but to get married before she turns 30. 

 

There are also books where the unmarried forty-year-old woman is a bitter hag who hates on other people because she's a sad spinster. 

 

Some men might say that being the traditional head of a family comes with a lot of responsibility, which I don't disagree with, but sometimes make it seem like their significant other does nothing but exist and adds nothing to the family. Even in (heterosexual, monogamous) marriages where the woman does not have the conventional 9-5 desk job, she definitely doesn't just sit around the house all day doing nothing.

 

Of course, in a marriage, partners have to make compromises but, in some cases, marriage can be quite the unequal yoke for some women.

 

Preferring 'Natural' Girls but Being Disgusted by Natural Body Elements on Women

If I did not bring this up, would this post really have been complete? You've probably heard people, especially men, say they prefer women to be 'natural' but go ahead to more or less lose their minds when they see pubic hair or body hair on women. If you cannot handle seeing pubic hair on my body, then you don't even know what natural means. As far as I know, hair on my body is natural so if you don't like that, go and be friends with a body-hair-free Barbie doll. 

 

In addition to that, some people take it upon themselves to point out that women are more beautiful without filters or make up on (I don't know who asked you, but okay) and then go on to express disgust when someone takes off their makeup. If she decides to get work done, you call her 'fake.' Just tell her you inherently hate her no matter what she decides to do. End of story.

 

Female Genital Mutilation

It always leaves me shook whenever I find out more about FGM. When one takes a look into why FGM is practiced or carried out in communities, one finds that it is honestly rooted in nothing other than the mysogynistic idea that women shouldn't be in control of their sexual choices and that their bodies belong to someone who they will eventually be married to. 

 

FGM basically involves fully or partly cutting a girl's genitals in a bid to control her sexuality and/or preserve her virginity till marriage. This act is usually carried out without anesthetics and under very unsanitary conditions. The first time I heard about FGM, I was so heartbroken. My tears could not and cannot save the victims of this horrendous act borne as a result of society's perception of girls and women as properties to be preserved and controlled. At the very minimum, my heart also cries for the loss of a distinct kind of pleasure that some women will never get to feel. It disgusts me to even think of someone enjoying sex with a being who has limited ability to mutually enjoy the act.

If you're interested, can read more about FGM here.

How Quick We Are to Tear Down Victims of Sexual Assault and other forms of Gender Based Violence (GBV)

Many people find it a hard pill to swallow when someone speaks out about sexual assault. I guess people find it hard to deal with the fact that they might also have assaulted someone or their close friends might have assaulted someone. The human instinct is to get defensive. To block out and tear down people who remind you of the time you begged that girl to send you nudes hundred times before she finally gave in and then went on to leak her pictures or the time you couldn't fight back the urge to touch someone in their sleep. 

 

Yes, false accusations happen. Yes, you could have misconstrued someone's body language. Yes, you might have not known what came over you. Yes, your friend is so nice and you can't imagine him doing such a thing. Well, I have to break it to you, hon. The incidence of false accusations is so statistically rare that I will much rather initially defend a false accusation than unintentionally shut down a true one. 

 

I have come to realize two things regarding sexual assault accusations. First, people say that [false] accusations ruin a person's career, or even life. The thing is that for many cases, there would be a lot of heat at first and then it would most likely die down and nothing happens to the accused that he can't pay off or shut away. The person can even go on to become the president of the country.

 

The second thing is many men don't actually care about the apparent victim. They see an accusation as a threat to manhood as a whole. They come crying out that you can't do anything these days without someone crying out that they've been sexually assaulted. They become afraid and actively try to fan the flames down. Even in sincere cases, there is no care for the victim. The questions that arise become where the woman was, what time it was, what she was wearing, what she was drinking, who she was with. They would rather find ways to paint the victim as deserving of the gross violation of her sacred being than make the perpetuator take responsibility for his callous act. 

 

In a bid to be one of the women accepted by men, or just as a manifestation of plain internalized misogyny, some women attempt to justify these bodily and emotional violations by asking some of the above unnecessary questions. 

 

Read more on Sexual Assault in the #Me Too Era here.

Breastfeeding in Public

I can't talk about this enough. People of all sexes have expressed discomfort in the presence of a woman simply providing her baby with nutrients. The truth is that the feeling of discomfort, especially for men, comes from the fact that this particular exposure of breasts doesn't function to sexually gratify them. In essence, if our breasts aren't exposed in a 'presentable' way, then to hell with women and their babies. I will say no more or no less.

Denying Women Access to Safe Abortion

Now this is also another highly contentious topic. The thing is that I personally am for the right to life, even for the unborn. But things happen and the best we can do is really enable women have access to safe abortion. You cannot say women should not have access to birth control, sex education and not want to use condoms because they make you uncomfortable during sex and still ban abortion. Really?

The thing is that people will still go ahead to carry out very unsafe abortion procedures no matter what you think or how many laws you pass against it so why not provide access to safe abortion?

Another thing is that for the most part, you don't really care about the unborn. No resources are provided for the mother and child after birth and you would probably punish someone who aborted a child from rape worse than a rapist. Long story short—you want to control our bodies not protect lives.

The Saying Goes that Girls are More Mature than their Male Peers: Why Doesn't that Apply to Leadership Positions?

'Boys will be boys.' Our maturity is useful when it comes to taking care of younger siblings, cleaning the classroom, being apparently more hygienic than boys, etc. but when it comes to leadership positions, we are too emotional, we can't handle it. Seriously? Like seriously? You couldn't come up with a better excuse? Please.

Now that you've come to the end of this. I'm sure you must be wondering. What is my point? Well, my point is not to point fingers at anyone or say some group of people have it better or worse than others. Besides, there are many points of intersection. There are so many women out there. Life might look a little different for people belonging to different socio-economic classes, transwomen, women with disabilities,  bisexual women, etc. 

My point is that we should all take a deeper look into why we do or say the things that we do. To search for how internalized misogyny has affected our relationship with our bodies, our intellect, and other people. If you really relate to this post, another post to check out is the Shame of Womanhood and if you're an avid reader and want a deeper look into dismantling patriarchal ideals, take a look at these books!