When One Finger Points Forward, Three Point Back

 

I spend a lot of time thinking, talking and writing about my experiences and perceptions of what it is to live as a woman in the twenty-first century. On several occasions, I have mentioned that women need to support women more, and that at times, we ourselves, contribute to slowing down the progress of women at large, especially when it comes to pushing for more female representation in the political arena.

There have even been times that I complained bitterly about how far too many women develop cold feet when it comes to running for electoral offices or even coming out to vote on election day. 

In my last year of secondary school, an opportunity came for me, as well as other girls, to put down our names to be voted as the valedictorian or to vote for a fellow girl to become the valedictorian. On a normal day, I would have gladly and enthusiastically gone to put down my name or at least considered it, but at that point, most things seemed to have lost their meaning to me. 

I was tired of being in school in September when I should have graduated in July, tired of terrible food, tired of wearing and washing face  masks, tired of reading and just basically overwhelmed with this sense of numbness and fatigue. I just wanted to get my diploma and fly back home after my last paper. I was not even looking forward to the graduation ceremony, in all honesty, because it was not going to end up being the graduation ceremony I thought I deserved after six years and had constantly imagined. It was meant to be the first time all my siblings got to actually see me in school. I had imagined countless times, walking down the aisle to receive awards while my siblings cheered and beamed with pride for their big sister. Instead, my graduation was going to take place in practically an empty chapel and to top it all off, wigs were banned, so I was going for the 'joyous' occasion rather bald.  I just did not have the energy to care anymore. I just wanted to go home, and I spent a great deal of my time crying, sleeping and writing poems or just scribbling stuff when I wasn't reading for a paper. If you still don't get the picture: I was depressed.

Fast forward to the day of voting the valedictorian. 

The person who went round sharing the paper we were to write the name of our preferred candidates on, handed over the paper to me one sunny afternoon before we headed to the dining hall for a snack. I pondered on telling the person that I did not care who the valedictorian would end up being and therefore, would not  be voting, but I gave it a second thought and decided to 'cast' my vote.

Three things struck me as ridiculous when I saw the paper. The first, being that we were meant to write our names before writing the name of our preferred candidates (no voter secrecy). Second, being that the list of candidates seemed so long that I didn't even scroll through it to the end and third, that one of the candidates was the one carrying the paper around for people to vote(the person conducting the elections was not a neutral body). There and then, it became even more of a joke to me. I got a pen and wrote down the name of the candidate that the last voter before me wrote, and that candidate happened to be a boy. I also voted this boy for other reasons best known to me and proceeded to the dining hall.

After I had even forgotten about the whole voting process, word came out one day that the results of the election were out and that the boy that I had voted for was the winner but two girls really came close to winning the elections. A feeling of guilt awakened in me as I continued plaiting a friend's hair and listening to the conversation. I started to feel like a hypocrite and saw my apathy as the very reflection of the behavior I had often lamented about. The girls in the conversation started to insult the girls who voted for boys and I felt very judged and managed to chip in that they did not have to insult anyone for their decisions.

It was a moment that made me take a step backward and take a deep breath. I do not know if you've ever felt the guilt that eats your flesh up, but that was the kind of guilt I lived with for months even after the valedictorian ended up being a girl. Even though not many people knew I voted for a boy, I still felt like a two-faced scam. Like how someone who had cheated on her boyfriend or girlfriend would feel.

When graduation day came and the valedictorian turned out to be a girl, It was then that I knew that I cared. I cared who was chosen to represent our set on that day. I cared that she was the first girl I had seen be the valedictorian all through my stay in that school. I cared which particular girl was chosen. I cared. I cried not just because I was happy but because I was also relieved. I hugged her after the ceremony as a kind of silent sorry and silent plea for forgiveness.

Even when I got back home in September, I could not even get myself to do any blogging till November because it felt like I did not even know who I was anymore.(Yes, it was that deep). After days of reflecting, I came to realize that I had been a bit judgmental myself and was caught up in the theory of 'blindly supporting women at all costs.' 

It is not a crime for a woman not to vote for a woman. Neither does it mean a woman is feeble for not feeling ready to contest(yet). Elections are about having the free will and equal political status to choose whichever candidate one feels is best or better. Having said this, my guilt for not voting a girl came from the fact that I knew that any one of the girl candidates would have done a perfect job, yet I did not vote for them- and not  simply because they were the same sex as me. You shouldn't win an election simply for just being a man, woman, transgender, white, black etc. but because you can do the job effectively.

What would be the point of voting a woman who you do not believe(for good reasons, not for misogynistic ones) will not deliver? Or what would be the point of pressurizing or coercing a woman who does not feel like she is ready for the office (yet), to run? Doing any of these things would be a waste of our time because they might not be able to be as effective as we need them to be.

What I encourage is that women should be given the space to be imperfect leaders, just as men for  many generations have been given a chance to make their mistakes and work on them(or not).Also, one woman's failure should not blow the chance of other women that want to come into power.

As I have mentioned before, not everything is a battle of the sexes. It's about placing everybody on equal (some may say equitable) footing. It's about encouraging women to vote for other women not just for the fact that they are of the same sex or perhaps, gender, but because the woman candidate has the qualifications and capability to rule or do a certain job effectively. 

Lastly, rather than judge or condemn apathetic women or women that do not specifically vote for women candidates or women that see no point of other women contesting, we can work on reshaping their mindset into a more progressive one and make them see the need for more female representation. 

I am happy that this opportunity gave me the chance to unlearn some things and share them with you all. Now, I am free of guilt and truly liberated.