The Rite of Passage

 

A lot of people that know me know that I don’t like math and so it comes as no surprise to anyone when I'm not enthusiastic in class when the topic of the day is 'Statistics' and for some reason, we are finding the probability that a red ball is picked first and not a blue one all in the name of mathematics. However, there is a particular kind of 'Statistics' I have been concerned about for a while and that is the statistics of people that experience sexual assault during their lifetime, on the average.

To you, this topic may be getting old but this is the reality of so many people around the world before they even turn eighteen. It seems as though these sort of experiences have become a ‘rite of passage’ for many women and instead of digging for the roots of why and how this has come to be the reality of far too many women, society focuses its energy on trying to 'protect' us by giving us night time curfews, uploading self-defense videos on YouTube, and regulating our dress codes. Society has easily accepted that sexual assault is beyond its control, so it has taught women that they are prey and they must perpetually be conscious of the fact that the time they leave their houses and the clothes that they wear make them targets.

Society thinks that by giving us all these life hacks, it is actually helping the situation but what it is actually doing is subtly pushing the blame on us and making those who do not follow 'the rules' justifiable targets. Picture this. Many people agree that rape is an evil thing but when they hear or read a story about a woman who was raped in a dark motor park at midnight, they will not think her story is as sad or as pitiful because she did not follow 'the rule' of not going out alone at night. The question becomes, ‘What was she doing out so late?’ and not, ‘’What about the person who raped her?’

Enough women that read the story will even think that she deserved the violence and maybe just have a little bit of pity in them because the story highlighted that she was a mother of three. 

As we can all see, these ‘rules’ do nothing to protect us and we certainly do not need this kind of protection. If you know what I mean.

Another thing that disturbs me is that people have this picture of a 'perfect victim.' Someone that was attacked by a stranger and forcefully penetrated and dumped into the bushes or someone that was raped at night on her way home from clubbing. Yes. These scenarios certainly exist but not everyone is your 'perfect victim.' One could literally be lying down on her bed and her male friend keeps sending her dick pics even though she has repeatedly told him that they make her uncomfortable. That is sexual harassment. Someone pressuring their romantic partner to send nudes is also sexual harassment.

At least more and more people are getting to know that a lot of people are actually sexually assaulted by people that they know and enough people just freeze and dissociate themselves from the scene. They do not scream like the regular actresses you watch in your Africa Magic home videos. Some people live in denial for days, months and even years. Some people cry. Some people have trouble identifying their experience as abuse. Some cut themselves. Some experience panic attacks. Others relive the experiences for a long time. Some people commit suicide. Some people become hypersexual in a desperate attempt to regain their bodily autonomy. Some people become repelled by sexual activities and start to hate their bodies. Some people blame themselves. Some people become depressed. Some people forgive, others do not. Each person feels and reacts differently.

After dealing with different episodes of sexual assault for a couple of years myself, I decided to actually start talking more about sexual assault to groups of people and friends at school and I started truly seeing how it was almost like a ‘rite of passage’ into womanhood for every girl. Talking about it could get quite emotional at times, but I liked people to see that stuff like this could happen to anyone. 'Funny' enough, no one ever strongly persuaded me to report and that just showed how much we had all successfully cultivated the culture of silence. To be honest, it was still rather unlikely that I would have reported at that point in time.

Maybe I would have reported if the school's administration actually acted as if sexual assault mattered. On one occasion that a group of JSS1 boys turned off the lights and started touching a girl in their class and word got to the administration, the assaulters got away with a very basic punishment and were more or less protected because they were JSS1 boys. I wonder if the girl even got some counselling after the experience. It was announced on the assembly ground as if they were all playing a game and they shattered a louvre, like they had not just literally sexually assaulted someone. 

On another occasion, a boy put his private part in another boy's mouth and the school administration basically told us all to go hush hush about it and the kid was quietly withdrawn from the school like he did nothing. But if someone were to be caught washing in the bathroom or some other inconsequential thing, the vice principal would do a back flip on the assembly ground and speak rapidly with fire in her eyes.

In the events that I even thought of reporting, I would shudder at the thought of being asked to show the length of my school skirt as of the time of the incident or cringe at the imagination of the vice principal asking me why I was sleeping at the end of that class that someone groped me in my sleep and just feel like it was not worth it at all to report. I was also bothered about getting these 'friends' into trouble and unfortunately, I also got submerged in the culture of silence. Now I know that not keeping quiet can take the forms of confronting the person, reporting, or just telling someone you trust about the experience. And seriously, it is not cool to go making up stories about something that did not actually happen to you (even though that seldom happens according to the statistics I have).

I am tired of seeing offenders going scot free after raping children, groping classmates and feigning ignorance. I am tired of these stories. I am tired of the blame. I am tired of the silence. I am tired of hearing that the reason a boy touched you was because he liked you. I am tired of this being the norm. Tell your mothers, your brothers, your friends, your cousins, your fathers that it is not cool or adventurous or justifiable to take advantage of anyone. Enough is enough. 

  To the friend that grabbed your boobs, the lover that forced himself on you, the parent who did not believe you, the driver that took you to a corner and undressed you, the uncle that kissed you, the pastor that groped you, the cleaner that made you touch her butt, the classmate that pushed his hand up your thigh , the stranger that had no mercy and to the neighbor that shoved his fingers into you: Enough is enough.

This year’s theme for the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women is “Orange the World: Fund, Respond, Prevent, Collect!”. Like in previous years, this year's International Day will mark the launch of 16 days of activism that will conclude on 10 December 2020, which is International Human Rights Day.

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